For some reason, loneliness in ministry surprised me.
As an idealist young pastor’s wife, I just didn’t expect it.
You would think that growing up as the daughter, granddaughter, and great-granddaughter of men who were pastors would have prepared me- in some small way- for this aspect of ministry life.
But loneliness took me completely off guard.
I hesitated to include “loneliness” in my list of ten things every young pastor’s wife should know.
When that post went viral and pastor’s wives began responding, I understood one thing very plainly:
Loneliness is an inescapable part of ministry life.
But it is not unredeemable.
In fact, I believe that our struggles- like loneliness- can stimulate deep and lasting growth in our lives as women in ministry.
The key is how we choose to respond to it.
I’ve written a 3-part mini series on this topic of loneliness in ministry, and you can click the links below to read the other two posts:
Today, I’m revisiting this topic of loneliness and friendship.
Here are four things loneliness in ministry has taught me about friendships, about life, and about the eternal potential of both.
Would you like a free printable to use with today’s post? I love journaling my thoughts during my daily quiet time, so I created a printable worksheet for you to use along with today’s blog post. You can download it right here. Don’t forget to subscribe in order to receive each new post and download via email. Thank you for reading here!
1. Loneliness is not just circumstantial; it is a state of the heart.
I have felt alone in a crowd.
In a family.
At it’s core, loneliness is a state of the heart.
It is not merely the absence of friends or mutual understanding or someone to share life with.
Those are the circumstances of loneliness.
But the power of loneliness to conquer and control our souls, that is a choice we can embrace or reject.
I may not have the power to cultivate close and fulfilling relationships at any given time in my life, but every moment of my life-
including the one I am living right now-
I have the God-given power to cultivate a full and radiant soul.
When I embraced responsibility for the state of my heart and attitudes, giving in to the negativity of loneliness was no longer an option.
The Holy Spirit gently reminded me (over and over and over) that God has provided everything- everything- I need to walk in joy.
“Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation.” Psalm 68:19
For many years, loneliness was a state of heart I carried with me into every new situation, every new circumstance, and every new relationship.
Because life is never ideal. And because-
2. There is no perfect friend.
I shared in this post that I always nurtured this little pet expectation that life would some day bring me “the perfect friend.”
A kindred spirit who would be able to take away that persistent ache within that longed for understanding.
I’m not suggesting that these types of friends do not exist! Thank God for honest, loyal, and understanding friends.
I am absolutely suggesting that as long as I nurtured the expectation of “that friend” appearing in my life so that I could finally be happy, I remained unhappy and lonely.
My life has been blessed with many friends over the years; some near, some far away, some very like-minded, some as different and challenging as anyone could be.
Not one of those friends has ever been the perfect friend.
No one has ever never disappointed me.
No one has ever always understood me.
Not my family.
Not my husband.
Not my mentors.
No one.
And, guess what? I have never been the perfect friend to anyone else, either.
We are all fallible, broken, limited humans with a great capacity to love, but also to misunderstand, to judge, to mess up.
The moment I stopped expecting another human to satisfy every need in my life is the moment I ceased living in a constant state of disappointment.
Let humans be humans.
Only God can be God in your life.
3. Takers are always empty on the inside.
A very dear friend and mentor of mine always said,
There are really only two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers. Which are you?”
The first time I heard her ask this, I knew exactly which one I tend to be: I’m a taker.
I think most of us, in our honest moments, would have to confess that we tend to be takers.
We are generally very aware of our needs, our trials, our disappointments with life, and it simply stands to reason that surely someone, somewhere, should be responsible for meeting those needs.
Over the years, I’ve come to a few conclusions by observing others’ lives, including this:
People who expect others to meet their needs (takers) are pretty much always dissatisfied and unhappy with life.
Why?
Because only God can truly fill all the holes and gaps in any human heart.
Friendship is a beautiful thing.
Love and marriage and children and ministry and home and mutual understanding with like-minded people are all beautiful things.
But I noticed that not one of those things ever made me feel truly fulfilled deep in my soul.
Never took away “the ache.”
Why?
Well, because I was reaching with empty hands, waiting for life to fill me up.
And it never did.
Because it can’t.
4. Friendship is a gift I can give without expecting anything in return.
I told you in yesterday’s post that I spent a lot of my early years waiting for others to reach out to me.
To befriend me.
To break the ice.
To sense my need for friendship and invest in my life so I could feel accepted, safe, and appreciated.
I was a taker.
People disappointed me a lot.
Sometimes women didn’t reach out when I needed them to, and that hurt.
Many times, when I did reach out women failed to reciprocate.
And that hurt.
I don’t know how or when it happened- although I do know the seeds were planted in my heart by a godly, older friend (mentor) God graciously sent into my life-
but somehow I learned to reach out to others instead of always waiting for someone to reach out to me.
I learned to give of my time and myself without expecting women to give back.
I’m not talking about anything huge and spiritual and amazing, ladies.
Just very real and simple and practical:
- I can offer a warm smile to anyone, even if she seems so perfect she’s way out of my league. Even if she doesn’t smile back (but most of the time, she will).
- I can push myself way out of my introvert comfort zone and start a conversation with someone I don’t know. This takes a lot of intentional effort on my part, I’ll be honest.
- I can overlook an offense or a friend’s bad hair day. We all have them- bad hair days, I mean. Like I said, when I quit expecting my friends to be perfect I starting liking them a lot more. 🙂
And above all things have fervent love among yourselves: for love shall cover a multitude of sins. I Peter 4:8
- I can take a girl friend out for coffee. Why wait for someone to invite me? I have eyes and ears; I can see a birthday coming, or notice when a friend seems down or discouraged. I can seize the opportunity to offer a listening ear and a treat at a local coffee shop. Such a small investment that brings very rich rewards.
We could devote an entire post to this topic of investing in others without expectations.
I’ll wrap things up today with this thought:
If you’re struggling with loneliness, seek to be the kind of friend you wish you had.
Then leave the results with God.
His love and presence in your life are the only things that will bring lasting fulfillment and joy, anyway.
God is able to enrich your life with more of His goodness and blessings (both spiritual and material) than you ever imagined.
Trust His ways and His timing!
I would never choose the ache of loneliness, and I know you wouldn’t either.
But it has shaped me, pushed me, made me think honest thoughts about myself and about life.
Maybe, in some strange way, loneliness has been an even greater gift in my life than friendship?
That’s an interesting thought.
Here’s to living and loving well,
xoxo,
Kristy
What has loneliness taught you about life?
About God? About yourself?
Would you like a free printable to use with today’s post? I love journaling my thoughts during my daily quiet time, so I created a printable worksheet for you to use along with today’s blog post. You can download it right here. Don’t forget to subscribe in order to receive each new post and download via email. Thank you for reading here!
I needed this reminder. All to often I get frustrated because I reach out so much and its rarely reciprocated. I don’t feel I have that “bosom friend” or “kindred spirit” or even a mentor, which I have prayed for. I get depleted giving to others because my perspective is wrong. I need to give, expecting nothing in return. Its hard to change that worldly selfish thought of what has anyone done for me, but the focus is on others not self.
Heather, I relate to everything you shared. It’s taken me years to reframe my perspective, and sometimes I struggle and have to refocus. The Holy Spirit is such a patient teacher!
Sis. Martin has been an inspiration to me also, such a godly role model! I am really enjoying your posts about lonliness…its something I have been struggling with for years. Knowing I’m not the only person to ever feel these things has been comforting…..realizing there is help for it is so encouraging. I have struggled with such guilt for being lonely, for not being perfect, I’m so ready to move on from this place. Your words have helped.
Wow! This is very well written & from your heart I can tell! I can certainly resognate with what you shared here kristy! Seems I go through theses “feelings” & “realizations” time & time again…. I only want those times to draw me into a deeper understanding of our Lord which leads to living free & also “letting people go”.
God bless you!
Thank you, Brooke!
Thank you Sis. Kristy for addressing these topics. Your blog always encourages me!
Thank you for reading and commenting, Sister Tori. I love and appreciate you!
Another great post Kristy! I love one of the 3 things you said you have learned in reaching out to others “I can push myself way out of my introvert comfort zone and start a conversation with someone I don’t know. This takes a lot of intentional effort on my part, I’ll be honest!” the thought that you also have something like an “introvert comfort zone” and “it also takes a lot of intentional effort for you to go out of it” is very comforting(I have always been thinking to myself why it has to be so hard when it’s as simple as starting to talk) now I know it’s not just me 🙂
Also this, “If you’re struggling with loneliness, seek to be the kind of friend you wish you had. Then leave the results with God. ” This is very challenging yet very encouraging, a really great and spiritual plan of action. I want to be a giver and really mean it, looking back after 24 years of existence, I can say I was and is mostly the taker.
These are just 2 of what took the bigger resonance after reading through, but the rest of everything you said there, leaves a valuable mark. Going to work now and will sure be so excited to lay my eyes on the next topic!
With love and thanks,
Mitch, thank you so much for the heartfelt response! You are certainly not alone.
It’s so easy to be a “taker” instead of a “giver”, but the ability to see the need to change, and the desire to become more like Christ is the biggest step of the journey!
Blessings to you, sweet sister.
Thank you so much Kristy!