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Today kicks off our three-part mini series on understanding, respecting, and supporting the three types of men:

the Kingly Command Man,

 the Visionary Man,

and the Steady Man.


In case you’re not familiar with Debi Pearl’s books (Created to Be His Helpmeet, and Preparing to Be a Helpmeet), I’ll give you a quick over-view of the Kingly Command Man:

“A few men are born with more than their share of dominance and, on the surface, a deficit in gentleness.  They often end up in positions that command other men. 

“We will call them Command Men.  They are born leaders… ”

(Debi Pearl, Created to be His Helpmeet)


My sweet friend Ashley happens to be the wife of a Kingly Command Man. 

That man also happens to be my younger brother.  🙂  

Ashley indulged me in a fun and informative questionnaire-style interview on being the helpmeet to a Command Man. 

I thoroughly enjoyed the following exchange with my “sister”!


{Kristy} Ashley, tell us briefly about your Command Man- Darren. Where did you meet him? What initially drew you to him?

{Ashley} Darren and I have known each other since we were children, but it wasn’t until we were 11 and 12 that we really got to know each other. 

Our dads were great friends, and they took us with them on a three day hunting trip.  We were both so shy that we could hardly look at each other…haha! 

The first thing that initially drew me to Darren was our mutual love for music.  We had a lot of fun “jamming out” as teenagers, and music definitely played a huge role in our budding romance.

{Kristy} Do you feel that Darren’s “Kingly” nature is prominent, or is he a blend of any of the two other types- the Visionary or the Steady?

{Ashley} Darren is definitely predominately a Command Man, but sometimes I see hints of Visionary and Steady characteristics in him. 

For instance, he will often do something around the house just because he sees that it needs to be done (a Mr. Steady characteristic).  He also enjoys tackling projects that seem hard and taxing to others because he can see the end results (a Mr. Visionary characteristic).   

{Kristy} Just because I’m curious: Which of the three “types” is your dad?

{Ashley} My Dad is probably a 50/50 blend of Command and Visionary.  He has a very strong personality!  I saw many of my Dad’s strengths reflected in Darren’s personality, and that definitely boosted my confidence in him as a young woman.  It made that transferring of my loyalty over to him a little easier.

{Kristy} In her book, Preparing to Be a Helpmeet, Debi Pearl tells us about the three types of women: the Dreamer, the Servant, and the Go To Girl. Which of these three best describes you?

{Ashley} I’m definitely the Servant.  I find that my greatest joy and fulfillment in life comes from meeting the needs of others…especially those that I love!  I also have a little bit of Dreamer in me that needs to be swept off my feet occasionally. 🙂

{Kristy} How does your unique personality “fit” with your Command Man? How have you learned to compliment him?

{Ashley} Learning to “fit” together has been a journey, to say the least.  It definitely didn’t come naturally!  BUT…thankfully I have learned to see my servant personality as a blessing and use this to my advantage when it comes to meeting Darren’s need to command.  It doesn’t make it easy all the time, but I just try to keep the right perspective.

{Kristy} Can you tell us about some of the early struggles you had as a helpmeet to a Command Man?

{Ashley} Some of the early struggles I had…hmm…how much time do you have?  Haha…just kidding! 

I remember one time right after we were married – Darren walked into the kitchen and very sternly told me that I was doing a chore the wrong way.  It was something so unimportant, but I reacted the wrong way and lost my temper.  I told him that I was just doing it the way that my Mom taught me to do it, and that he should just be thankful that I was willing to do all of the chores around the house anyway. 

We ended up have a HUGE fight over how I was washing the dishes! 

have learned so much since then.  I have learned that when my husband tells me that he wishes for me to do something, that it is my duty to do it.  I have actually learned to enjoy doing things the way the that he wants them done, and, believe me, it has it’s rewards! 

Now that Darren knows that he has my complete support in every area, and that he is “in charge” of our home, I am able to approach him about things and tell him how I feel.  It is such a  blessing to me when my big ole’ Command Man stops and listens to my feelings on an issue and then agrees with me that my way is better than his.  It doesn’t happen every time, but the times that it has have made it all worth it! 

{Kristy} One of the characteristics of a Command Man is that he is very much “in charge”. This can be a fault as well as a virtue. Tell us how you feel this is a virtue.

{Ashley} Two of the things that I know come from my husband’s “take charge” personality that I appreciate so much are his leadership capabilities and his tendency to take a stand for what’s right despite popular opinion.  I know that he would not be so strong in these areas if it wasn’t for his God-given nature as a Commander. 

On a more personal basis and in our marriage, I have found that allowing my Command Man complete charge in our home has brought me SO much security.  It seems weird to think that surrendering control could bring security, but it does!  I have watched the strengths of my husband’s character blossom under my support.  He rules our little roost so wonderfully!  I love being “helper” to such an amazing man!

{Kristy} In your opinion, what is the “key” to successfully fulfilling your role of Helpmeet to a Command Man?

{Ashley} For me, the key was learning to “shut-up and follow!”  I had to learn to quit questioning, quit doubting and just let him lead. 

I know now that letting Darren lead is not always easy, but it is always right!  


I have two choices as Mrs. Commander.  1 – Follow my husband, enjoy harmony in my marriage, and experience God’s favor and blessings on my home.  Or 2 – Doubt my husband, make a big stink along the way, experience turmoil in my marriage, and refuse God’s best for my home. 

I choose number 1!!! And when I’m really in doubt about a decision that my Command Man is making, I pray for him.

My Mom has a lot of experience in the area of being married to a Commander, and she always told me, “You can’t change anyone better than the Holy Spirit can.”  So I have learned to leave things in God’s hands. 

Over and over I have prayer for the Holy Spirit to influence my husband in an area, and over and over God has worked in his heart.  Sometimes he never even knew that I was praying for a change to happen, but because I wasn’t nagging him over it, he was open to the working of God in his heart.  In those circumstances I never had to be the “bad guy” in my husband’s eyes.  I was merely acting as his cheerleader cheering him along the way, and it was worth it!        

{Kristy} What words of advice would you leave with a new wife who is learning to relate to a Command Man?

{Ashley} Get behind your man and support him ALL the way!  Learn to see his personality, his need to command, as a gift from God.  When he veers off course, don’t try to change him, pray for him. And lastly, learn to enjoy letting him lead.  It can free you from a world of pressure.  Rest in the security of his God-given leadership skills, and stand amazed as he begins to do an awesome job! 

{Kristy} One last question before we go: You have a son who is 4 years old. Do you think he might be a Kingly Command Man like his Daddy?

{Ashley} Oh my – YES!  I often feel overwhelmed with my little Command Man because I don’t want to squelch that personality, but yet there’s only a certain extent to which I can let him command at the ripe old age of 4.


Seeing my little boy (my Commander in the making) helps me see my husband in a different light as well.  It just reemphasizes to me how it is truly in their nature to be that way.  I certainly pray for whatever little lady God has for him out there, and hope that she is up to the challenge in about 20 years!

A BIG THANK YOU to Ashely for her helpful insights on serving alongside a Command Man in marriage. 🙂  I am so proud of and thankful for such a wonderful sister-in-law… she is a lovely example of beautiful, Christian womanhood.


Tomorrow, Jacinda will share her heart on being the helpmeet to her Visionary Man– you don’t want to miss it! 

What about you?  Are you married to a Kingly Command Man?

Tell us about him!

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18 thoughts on “Being a HelpMeet {to the Kingly Command Man}

  1. I was also doing some research and wanted to ask, i was looking at an excerpt from the book about types of men and types of women and she mentions go-to-gal and king can be a bad combo. this is totally true and why my marriage has its problems… any advice for women already in this queen/king marriage and how to be agood help meet for your king without jepordizing your own identity as a go-to-gal queen type girl?


    Posted on February 24, 2016 at 11:35 am
  2. this helped me so much!! thank you! I’ve been looking on advice for how to handle my command man, and i see many things ive been getting wrong unfortunately. Thank you for what you do. God bless

    Posted on February 24, 2016 at 11:20 am
  3. Appreciate any blogs that talk about these unique men!  I’ve been happily married to one for 28 years!  I wasn’t good at describing our marriage to others because they didn’t get it. Perhaps that is because there are more steady type guys out there.  Then I found Debbie Pearl’s book that described him so well.

    Regarding your little ‘king’ (I’ve had a couple of them)–I think one aspect of this personality type they have some extra sensitivity to the idea of authority in general–whether under authority or in authority.  During the younger childhood years learning the ‘under authority’ is important.  My husband is a command man but he also knows how to be ‘under authority’.  He respects it.  Some of that is just guy territory–see the Love and Respect material for more appreciation of that side of men.  Perhaps learning being under authority when they are younger will help prevent them from abusing any authority they do get later.  After all throughout all our lives all of us are always under some type of authority.  And at various times we will be entrusted with authority.

    It is also nice to have times where these ‘kings in the making’ can exercise a bit of authority in childhood as a training time too.  You won’t have a lot of say when they are an adult like you do now! 

    My six year old son is a little command man and we had to come to some ‘understanding’ when he was much younger.  Now he is truly a sweet little guy who watches out for me more than any of his siblings ever thought about.  He naturally keeps an eye on what’s going on and watches over things in general so it is interesting to watch him grow up! 

    Posted on June 8, 2012 at 6:06 pm
  4. Forgive me for typos- 

    *he’d certainly hear it

    *If I bossed him

    Posted on April 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm
  5. And, pray tell, what about having equality in your marriage?

    I do 🙂 we’ve worked well for twelve years 🙂

    If my husband ever bossed me around, he’s certainly hear my opinion. Likewise, if bossed him around, he would not be silent. 

    No one follows; no one leads- like good chamber music. 

    Posted on April 9, 2012 at 4:13 pm
    1. “No one follows; no one leads-”

      I would dare say it is impossible for a home to be completely without leadership- SOMEONE is calling the shots. If it is not your husband, it is most likely you. How can a “body” (a church, a home, a government) be headless?

      Submission and leadership have nothing whatsoever to do with equality. Men do not lead because they are better; they lead the home, the church, the society, because it is what God has commanded them to do.

      One role is not more important than the other, but BOTH must compliment the other in harmony and with structure- like a symphony. 🙂

      Posted on April 9, 2012 at 7:12 pm
  6. I truly enjoyed your blog post!  Thank you so much.  I hope it is okay, but I did my own blog post on yours of course linking to yours because I enjoyed this so much –

    Posted on April 9, 2012 at 9:12 am
  7. Rude, ungentle, abrupt, tactless men are not loving their wives as Christ loves the church.

    Posted on April 4, 2012 at 11:41 pm
  8. “Mr. Command Man” sounds like a way to legitimize a man being a jerk.

    Posted on April 4, 2012 at 11:40 pm
  9. This is just… sad. What does it matter how she does the dishes?

    Posted on April 4, 2012 at 10:13 pm
  10. Biblical submission is supposed to work both ways. Shut-up-and-do-it-his-way is not what God wants.

    Posted on April 4, 2012 at 11:43 am
  11. Your husband might have learned a new, better way to do the dishes if he had listened to what you said.  In my view, he did not treat you with the love God commands him to.

    Posted on April 4, 2012 at 11:42 am
  12. It’s good to know the different types of men and how we can best support them. I enjoyed reading this post and look forward to future posts on this subject.

    Posted on March 13, 2012 at 8:03 pm
  13. My best friend is married to a command man and for the first 9 years (inc 2 sons) she really struggled with his seeming lack of feelings and extreme “bossiness”. She ended up having an affair which was disasterous, but in the end her husband took her back in with the children and they began working hard to fix the marriage. I loaned her this book and she was blown away at the description of a command man and that it fit her husband like a glove. Through the guidance of this book, they are now enjoying their 4th year of happy marriage post affair. This book changes marriages…when you get to mr steady (my man) i’ll let you know how it changed my marriage!!

    Posted on March 13, 2012 at 6:28 pm
    1. I look forward to reading what you have to say!  My man is Mr Steady, too.  🙂

      Posted on March 14, 2012 at 7:36 am
  14. This is an awesome post, Kristy and Ashley! Thanks for sharing.

    Posted on March 13, 2012 at 6:17 pm
    1. Thank you, Julie!

      Posted on March 14, 2012 at 7:36 am
  15. My hubby  is definitely a Command Man and I dearly love him.  We had many struggles early on, but once I learned to give him the control he desired and needed, things have been so different.  No, I am not a doormat, but by letting him lead so strongly it has taken so much pressure off of me!  I LOVE letting him lead.  And for future reference, it comes in real handy when you need someone to blame (“…I will need to talk with my husband first….etc.”)  It works wonders when you don’t have the heart to say “No” sometimes!

    We are celebrating 20 years of marriage this year and I wouldn’t trade my Command Man for anything in the world!  God knew I needed him and put us together.

    Thanks for a wonderful interview Ashley and Kristy.  It was great to learn so much more about three very special people! 

    Posted on March 13, 2012 at 10:28 am